What is Time

It's been a year.

A year since living at the Magical Beach House with my sisters.

A year since I struck out on my own in Gainesville.

A year since I've had a 'job'.

A year since massage school began.

A year since I fell deeply in love once, then twice-learing so much.

Ultimately loving myself the deepest. <3

A year since I had been to Vipassana.

Yes, indeed, it's been quite a year.

Coming from a grounded place in the material realm of existence (steady job, beautiful home, financial stability-well for the most part) I charted unknown waters when I moved to Gainesville. I was determined to do things for myself, not for anyone else, for once in my life. I had saved up some money working 40+ hours managing and teaching at two yoga studios in Jacksonville so I had a cushion. When that ran out I began to do odd jobs here and there, cleaning, teaching sporadically, whatever came up. When that wasn't working I started selling my posessions. Erasing attachment to the physical 'stuff I owned'. It was SO liberating. With that and peoples kindness, understanding and similar modes of existence I was able to live this way pretty much the whole time I've been in Gainesville. It's been a completely different experience then any I've had my whole life. It was liberating, and I learned a lot. About myself and the world and my relationship to money and things.

I think I may be done with that for now.

Having worked myself into a corner (no money, no home, no job, no material stability) the time to get myself out has come. My mind was in such a tizzy after things ended with Peter and I. We had been living together, working together, playing together- and suddenly it was all different. My best friend, my lover, this beautiful human I had gone so deep with had seemingly pulled out the world from underneath me. I was spinning man. What to do, what to do???

Being the intense Scorpio I am I continued to do things in Siddie Style. Went to a Thai Massage Intensive and then to my second round of 10 days at the Southeast Vipassana Center in Jesup Georgia. Having sat before I had an idea of what was to come. Which did not stop it from being any less challenging.

Don't misunderstad me though. While it was challenging and at times quite miserable, it was all my own design. There were moments of clarity and beauty. But for the first three days Peter was ALL I could think about. It was sort of like self inflicted torture, I even fainted (which was actually really cool and beautiful). Towards the 5th day I had a breakthrough. Sitting completely motionless for an hour and a half my physical body was experiencing immense pain, I was sobbing, shaking and understood that I was suffering so because of my identifying with the sensations. Making them a part of me. And that led me to understand things are that way with everything in my life. Everything that I experience in my reality is a result of my mind and attachments and aversions I create. It still hurt, but felt lighter. I became more able to be an unattached observer of what was happening within the physical framework of my body. So ephemeral. Purifying the mind.

-We don't see the world as it is, but as we are-

The following days were mixes of deep peace, wild lucid dreams, intense pain and dissolution of it, and a sense of centeredness I'd been missing for-well a year.

After our first sit, Jacob said "In the Spiritual tool-box Vipassana is like a sledgehammer." And indeed my first experience with it was just that. It was a recognition that I am like an onion with many many layers of karmas, sankaras, issues, whatever you want to call it and the technique came in like a sledgehammer, knocking me on my ass while peeling away really painful layers. This past time was more like gentle Grandma hands peeling them off ever so subtly and delicately.

I left and headed back to Gainesville. Where, to my initial surprise, things were exactly as I had left them. While I had cleared away some levels of my own inner junk, there was still much waiting for me.

My remaining possesions scattered about my dear Michaels house, still no home, no job, no money. Still no longer with Peter, that still being painful. It was all I could do to remember to breathe and remain centered.

Today, is only the second day back to the 'real world'. And my reality continues to dissolve. Though my tendency in the past has been to attempt to control-I think I'll just do something different.

One of my teachers always said "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten," so I'm opening to something different.

I still am not sure what I'm going to 'do' where I'll be 'living' what life will look like for the next few months. But my new reality is this.

I am whole-complete-and perfect.

Though my whole life has changed dramatically this year, I feel amazing. I FEEL. And that is HUGE. I am incredibly greatful for all the beautiful friends and teachers that I have in my life, the old, the new, and the yet to come. Grateful that I have this human life, and am trusting the universe again.

This too, will change.

Love and Kindess to you all.

Today is Gratitude

Thats right.
Today, is, gratitude.
I am swimming in it-melting into it-drinking it-crying it-get the drift?
Gratitude.

A new chapter of my life has begun friends.
WAKE UP!

,,,,,I'd say it began, well that's hard to say, but when I noticed it had begun was when Terrance (one of the sweetest and most powerful healers I've had the pleasure to work with) pinned me to the Earth under his feet. Smashing out impressions and emotions long stuffed down into my legs. Bypassing my intellectual brain which wants to label and 'understand why' I feel what I feel and just washed me in my true raw feelings. And I cried. I cried, I screamed, I sobbed, whimpered, yelled, laughed, and felt the biggest release of my life.....Until Atarangi came and worked on my belly. Oh my, what exquisitely beautiful pain! As though I had never experience pain in my LIFE. And it was so healing. To just feel all the sadness, the anger, the fear and frustration, the disappointment, the heartache, the longing, the joy, I mean EVERYTHING I had ever not given myself space to feel surged through me as though the damn of my mind finally busted open. Whew. I was instructed to lie on the Earth and continue to let it go, to be supported and cleansed. So I did. Boy did I ever. And the clearing has not stopped since!
The power in the Maori, to me, is in their simplicity, in their whole presence. They are a real and practical people who embody love and know where they come from. They know they are children of the universe, of the stars. Their technique and traditions have been preserved in their culture for many many years and they have not forgotten their connection to the Earth and to every being that shares it with them. And their work helps to remind the receiver of the universal truth that we are ALL connected, that we can HEAL ourselves and that love and kindness are the vehicles to get us there.
-see their website here http://maorihealers.com/


Well, what next?
I went home. To be with my mother and grandmother. And realized that I had built them up to be different people in my reality. That my whole creation of them was inaccurate, that I wasn't listening to who they were, that I was just creating them to fit into my own reality. And that reality continued to shatter upon this epic realization! I mean, I was relating with my mother not as who she really is, but as this concept in my mind and heart. Not really connecting, not really open and I wondered how often I had been doing that in all my other relationships in life.....that's all changing now. What we are aware of we can change, what we are unaware of RUNS us!

With the new space that became available after the intimate side of my relationship with Peter ended doors and windows and whole houses flew open to me and I had to cry at the abundance and availability of love all around me as I headed out with my dear friend Atreyu to a Thai Massage Intensive with Mukti (http://www.vedicconservatory.com/). EXPLOSIVE transformation. At first, it was challenging to accept an end that opened new beginnings, the unknown in sight, the familiarity of relationship gone but you know what? I'm OK-He's OK-It's OK. (thank you Jacob) eyes open, heart open, just letting it hurt and being so very SEEN, and taken care of. So much gratitude for the safe space that was held for me to transform and let go, let go, let go. ........

And here I am/ Siddie La.....standing alone, but never really alone. My heart is SO full of beautiful amazing people. I cannot think of a SINGLE person I have met in my life that I have anything BUT love for. I have been blessed with SO many powerful, inspiring teachers and am now transitioning into my own power as a leader, as a teacher, as an eye opener.....yes, that is my calling......today anyways... ;)
At the Goddess Gathering I attended before leaving Gainesville (with some incredible powerful, beautiful, magical women) I pulled a Tarot card. The image was these little fairy bird creatures shooting arrows with fire balls in the tips. \I LOVED IT! The meaning I got from it is that I'm a fairy creature, and with my fiery Pitta/Scorpio nature I blast flaming arrows everywhere I go, awakening souls, personalities, true potential-and this is not ego, this is guidance I've received I want to share with you all to co-create reality.

We can DO and BE anything. Literally. ALL thoughts are things. The power of the human mind can literally not be charted. During the Thai Intensive there were Hawks circling over us the whole time we were working. And this is what I found about Hawk Medicine (the power of animal guides and spirits)

~~~*This powerful bird can awaken your visionary power, open your higher chakras to hear the messages of the Universe and lead you to your life purpose.Hawk teaches you how to soar to great heights while keeping your feet firmly on the ground, to grow spiritually, to live in this earth plane but not be a part of it but to expand to much greater dimensions. As smaller birds occasionally attack hawks, you are likely to be attacked by smaller people who do not understand your lofty beliefs or gifts. These people may try to impede your great ability to soar, to keep you grounded in their version of reality. The sky is Hawk’s realm, and through its flight it communicates with Heaven and the Great Creator Spirit, and conveys that knowledge to Earth: Hawk medicine unites Heaven and Earth.*~~~

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With that intention and power behind me, I leave you now for another 10 day adventure into myself. I depart for Vipassana, right now. Thank you ALL for your presence in my life and the world in general.

May the long time sun shine upon you. All love surround you and the pure light within you guide your way on.
Love-Light-and Gratitude.
Siddie-La

The theme of the day. Death.

It is not morbid.
Every day we are all dying. Today, the universe was just a little more in my face about it.
Such beautiful tests. No less painful, but then what is pain?
What is beauty? Is it a sunset? A face? An image? All of it, but none of it. These words we have cannot define the modalities of nature. Of our natural way of exisiting. And yet, they are all we have, so they must suffice.
The universe, God, The Divine, insert appropriate limiting phrase here- has asked me to step up.
Step up to what?
::whew::
My calling. I have heard it loud and clear.
death.death. death. Siddie, you call to Kali in your prayers, you say you are the destroyer that you are ready. Ok.
We will see.
Can you remain equanimous when death is at every turn? When destruction and heartbreak summon you from all sides?
....That is what came today. I was unsuspecting the immediacy of my trials. And felt fear wash over me. Fear, and pain, and suffering. So much suffering. It had to be felt. I clung to it not. But let it wash over me, waves and waves of misery. Engulfed my body as I sat sobbing, eyes closed, clutching the Kali pendant Melanie gifted me from Africa. Give me the strength, I am ready, I am ready. I cannot refuse the call.
For near two hours I cried. Releasing all the emotional poisins of fear and aversion of death. Of the lack of understanding around this beautiful passage of physical form, which frees the spirit for it's next chance at reincarnation. Accepting, accepting, accepting.

And it stopped.

Serenity. Peace. A hint of sadness. (I am only human...) but what a clearing. It was so powerful. Humbling.
Seeing the threads interconnecting. How it all, every experience, every person, EVERYTHING is interwoven so intricately and beautifully in this massive quilt of life we call Mother Earth. Everything counts. From the largest beast to the smallest micro-organism. Everything plays on everything else. Life depends on YOU.
Because we are one.

Wonderful. Lessons of death.

Hm. But Siddie. Can you teach others that from destruction, always stems creation? Can you show them that life is a beautiful mystery meant to be explored? That because we are energy beings having a material experience there is no need to attach to physical form, we are not that form, therefore we cannot die.
This is a greater challange.

We humans are quick to despair. But slow to hope.

Open your eyes.
Open your eyes.
Every passing minute, is another chance to turn it all around.

Death arrived in the morning.
But God created a living picture in the evening.
We walked through it together. Awestruck.
Communitcating with the davis street dolphins
Recognizing the existence of a divine plan.
It cannot be random. We are here for a purpose.
We are powerful beyond our wildest dreams.

Open your eyes.

Vipassana

In the silence there is stillness.
In the stillness there is space.
In the space lie the answers.
If we only would close our eyes to look.
For ten days she journied inward. Surrounded by people, yet completely alone.
Alone, but not lonely. A new feeling for her.
His gaze burned into her from across the room. She remembered it well.
But dared not return it.
Be willing to come undone.
Echoed in her head space.
The heat in her body grew at an increasingly rapid rate.
Sweat beads formed and ran like rivers down her back, her brow, her chest. And yet she shivered.
Remain equanimous.
Her body began to quake.
Rocking from side to side.
Eyes fluttered open. Nothing.
stillness. stillness.
Eyes closed.
The physical body began to peel apart. Two sides. Like a banana, folding over-and over-and over- until the head pieces rested on the floor. Or was there still a floor?
Suddenly there was no up or down. No time or space. No body or identity. No "I"
What was left was heavy and dark. Painful and sad. A solidified mass in the air where 'Siddie' had once been.
But Wait!
Light!
Brilliant light began to sweep the soul force that was so dark, as if covered in thick, black tar.
Sweeping-Piercing-Sweeping-Piercing-Sweeping-Piercing.
Until, all there was, was light. and love.
She was completly suspended there. No body. No pain, no good sensation, no attachments no fear.....free.

Then the ego cam back online.
The sense of a 'body' returned. The heaviness and pain, the heat ran up and down her spine like electric shock. She collapsed into the wall behind her. And wept.

But she was lighter. She had developed new eyes. Ones that saw the world not as an interpretation of her design, not as she wished it to be. But as it actually was, moment to moment. In all its chaotic beauty.
Free heart. Free mind.

She could see him now. And she smiled.

The remaining days were not days. Time was immeasurable by any human means. Only moments and movements. movements and moments.
Repeated states of suspension were matched with repeated bouts of pain and suffering.
And she loved them both. Equanimously. Knowing they were both arising to pass. That there was no use clinging to any moment because by the time she recognized it, it would be gone. Some lingered longer, some passed quickly, but they all arose to fade away into the vastness of the universe.

And the work continues. Beings of love and light line this path, more and more every day. Like attracts like. and the love keeps showering in. More than one can take at times.
Just come back to sensations. respiration.
Experiential wisdom of the universe within.

Anicha, anicha, anicha.

May all beings find peace
May all beings find real happiness
May all beings find real love & compassion.
www.dhamma.org

Monday

............Now that I understand that 'time' and 'space' are illusions. Oh how much more free life has become! The way that things unravel, that the universe places me where I need to be with who I need to be there with once I stop forcing.
Where have I been?
Man, it's been a ride...........this 'time' last 'year' I was so asleep. It's like I feel like I have finally woken up, opened the eyes of my soul. Here I am.
Where I once was a scared girl who acted like she was a tough guy, like I had all the answers, it was all in the bag, the right path, the right college the right career......
And then I found yoga. And something clicked. It really can't be explained, if you have practiced you know it. There is just something about being alive and grateful for the present moment that a yoga practice provides. I encourage everyone to seek what inspires them.....when we live inspired- in spirit life just works.
And now, that girl is going, almost gone. And what I took from Shivas fire was a strong but soft woman. Someone who can open her heart to really love others because she really loves herself. And the more work I do on myself, the more I change the more I see my world changing.
And so here.......teaching yoga, being the light, massage therapy school, energy healings, living on the beach, I pinch myself
everyday.
But this is so much more then I ever even thought to dream for.
Won't you come along for the ride :)
I love you.