It is not morbid.
Every day we are all dying. Today, the universe was just a little more in my face about it.
Such beautiful tests. No less painful, but then what is pain?
What is beauty? Is it a sunset? A face? An image? All of it, but none of it. These words we have cannot define the modalities of nature. Of our natural way of exisiting. And yet, they are all we have, so they must suffice.
The universe, God, The Divine, insert appropriate limiting phrase here- has asked me to step up.
Step up to what?
::whew::
My calling. I have heard it loud and clear.
death.death. death. Siddie, you call to Kali in your prayers, you say you are the destroyer that you are ready. Ok.
We will see.
Can you remain equanimous when death is at every turn? When destruction and heartbreak summon you from all sides?
....That is what came today. I was unsuspecting the immediacy of my trials. And felt fear wash over me. Fear, and pain, and suffering. So much suffering. It had to be felt. I clung to it not. But let it wash over me, waves and waves of misery. Engulfed my body as I sat sobbing, eyes closed, clutching the Kali pendant Melanie gifted me from Africa. Give me the strength, I am ready, I am ready. I cannot refuse the call.
For near two hours I cried. Releasing all the emotional poisins of fear and aversion of death. Of the lack of understanding around this beautiful passage of physical form, which frees the spirit for it's next chance at reincarnation. Accepting, accepting, accepting.
And it stopped.
Serenity. Peace. A hint of sadness. (I am only human...) but what a clearing. It was so powerful. Humbling.
Seeing the threads interconnecting. How it all, every experience, every person, EVERYTHING is interwoven so intricately and beautifully in this massive quilt of life we call Mother Earth. Everything counts. From the largest beast to the smallest micro-organism. Everything plays on everything else. Life depends on YOU.
Because we are one.
Wonderful. Lessons of death.
Hm. But Siddie. Can you teach others that from destruction, always stems creation? Can you show them that life is a beautiful mystery meant to be explored? That because we are energy beings having a material experience there is no need to attach to physical form, we are not that form, therefore we cannot die.
This is a greater challange.
We humans are quick to despair. But slow to hope.
Open your eyes.
Open your eyes.
Every passing minute, is another chance to turn it all around.
Death arrived in the morning.
But God created a living picture in the evening.
We walked through it together. Awestruck.
Communitcating with the davis street dolphins
Recognizing the existence of a divine plan.
It cannot be random. We are here for a purpose.
We are powerful beyond our wildest dreams.
Open your eyes.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Friday, June 5, 2009
Vipassana
In the silence there is stillness.
In the stillness there is space.
In the space lie the answers.
If we only would close our eyes to look.
For ten days she journied inward. Surrounded by people, yet completely alone.
Alone, but not lonely. A new feeling for her.
His gaze burned into her from across the room. She remembered it well.
But dared not return it.
Be willing to come undone.
Echoed in her head space.
The heat in her body grew at an increasingly rapid rate.
Sweat beads formed and ran like rivers down her back, her brow, her chest. And yet she shivered.
Remain equanimous.
Her body began to quake.
Rocking from side to side.
Eyes fluttered open. Nothing.
stillness. stillness.
Eyes closed.
The physical body began to peel apart. Two sides. Like a banana, folding over-and over-and over- until the head pieces rested on the floor. Or was there still a floor?
Suddenly there was no up or down. No time or space. No body or identity. No "I"
What was left was heavy and dark. Painful and sad. A solidified mass in the air where 'Siddie' had once been.
But Wait!
Light!
Brilliant light began to sweep the soul force that was so dark, as if covered in thick, black tar.
Sweeping-Piercing-Sweeping-Piercing-Sweeping-Piercing.
Until, all there was, was light. and love.
She was completly suspended there. No body. No pain, no good sensation, no attachments no fear.....free.
Then the ego cam back online.
The sense of a 'body' returned. The heaviness and pain, the heat ran up and down her spine like electric shock. She collapsed into the wall behind her. And wept.
But she was lighter. She had developed new eyes. Ones that saw the world not as an interpretation of her design, not as she wished it to be. But as it actually was, moment to moment. In all its chaotic beauty.
Free heart. Free mind.
She could see him now. And she smiled.
The remaining days were not days. Time was immeasurable by any human means. Only moments and movements. movements and moments.
Repeated states of suspension were matched with repeated bouts of pain and suffering.
And she loved them both. Equanimously. Knowing they were both arising to pass. That there was no use clinging to any moment because by the time she recognized it, it would be gone. Some lingered longer, some passed quickly, but they all arose to fade away into the vastness of the universe.
And the work continues. Beings of love and light line this path, more and more every day. Like attracts like. and the love keeps showering in. More than one can take at times.
Just come back to sensations. respiration.
Experiential wisdom of the universe within.
Anicha, anicha, anicha.
May all beings find peace
May all beings find real happiness
May all beings find real love & compassion.
www.dhamma.org
In the stillness there is space.
In the space lie the answers.
If we only would close our eyes to look.
For ten days she journied inward. Surrounded by people, yet completely alone.
Alone, but not lonely. A new feeling for her.
His gaze burned into her from across the room. She remembered it well.
But dared not return it.
Be willing to come undone.
Echoed in her head space.
The heat in her body grew at an increasingly rapid rate.
Sweat beads formed and ran like rivers down her back, her brow, her chest. And yet she shivered.
Remain equanimous.
Her body began to quake.
Rocking from side to side.
Eyes fluttered open. Nothing.
stillness. stillness.
Eyes closed.
The physical body began to peel apart. Two sides. Like a banana, folding over-and over-and over- until the head pieces rested on the floor. Or was there still a floor?
Suddenly there was no up or down. No time or space. No body or identity. No "I"
What was left was heavy and dark. Painful and sad. A solidified mass in the air where 'Siddie' had once been.
But Wait!
Light!
Brilliant light began to sweep the soul force that was so dark, as if covered in thick, black tar.
Sweeping-Piercing-Sweeping-Piercing-Sweeping-Piercing.
Until, all there was, was light. and love.
She was completly suspended there. No body. No pain, no good sensation, no attachments no fear.....free.
Then the ego cam back online.
The sense of a 'body' returned. The heaviness and pain, the heat ran up and down her spine like electric shock. She collapsed into the wall behind her. And wept.
But she was lighter. She had developed new eyes. Ones that saw the world not as an interpretation of her design, not as she wished it to be. But as it actually was, moment to moment. In all its chaotic beauty.
Free heart. Free mind.
She could see him now. And she smiled.
The remaining days were not days. Time was immeasurable by any human means. Only moments and movements. movements and moments.
Repeated states of suspension were matched with repeated bouts of pain and suffering.
And she loved them both. Equanimously. Knowing they were both arising to pass. That there was no use clinging to any moment because by the time she recognized it, it would be gone. Some lingered longer, some passed quickly, but they all arose to fade away into the vastness of the universe.
And the work continues. Beings of love and light line this path, more and more every day. Like attracts like. and the love keeps showering in. More than one can take at times.
Just come back to sensations. respiration.
Experiential wisdom of the universe within.
Anicha, anicha, anicha.
May all beings find peace
May all beings find real happiness
May all beings find real love & compassion.
www.dhamma.org
Monday, May 18, 2009
Monday
............Now that I understand that 'time' and 'space' are illusions. Oh how much more free life has become! The way that things unravel, that the universe places me where I need to be with who I need to be there with once I stop forcing.
Where have I been?
Man, it's been a ride...........this 'time' last 'year' I was so asleep. It's like I feel like I have finally woken up, opened the eyes of my soul. Here I am.
Where I once was a scared girl who acted like she was a tough guy, like I had all the answers, it was all in the bag, the right path, the right college the right career......
And then I found yoga. And something clicked. It really can't be explained, if you have practiced you know it. There is just something about being alive and grateful for the present moment that a yoga practice provides. I encourage everyone to seek what inspires them.....when we live inspired- in spirit life just works.
And now, that girl is going, almost gone. And what I took from Shivas fire was a strong but soft woman. Someone who can open her heart to really love others because she really loves herself. And the more work I do on myself, the more I change the more I see my world changing.
And so here.......teaching yoga, being the light, massage therapy school, energy healings, living on the beach, I pinch myself
everyday.
But this is so much more then I ever even thought to dream for.
Won't you come along for the ride :)
I love you.
Where have I been?
Man, it's been a ride...........this 'time' last 'year' I was so asleep. It's like I feel like I have finally woken up, opened the eyes of my soul. Here I am.
Where I once was a scared girl who acted like she was a tough guy, like I had all the answers, it was all in the bag, the right path, the right college the right career......
And then I found yoga. And something clicked. It really can't be explained, if you have practiced you know it. There is just something about being alive and grateful for the present moment that a yoga practice provides. I encourage everyone to seek what inspires them.....when we live inspired- in spirit life just works.
And now, that girl is going, almost gone. And what I took from Shivas fire was a strong but soft woman. Someone who can open her heart to really love others because she really loves herself. And the more work I do on myself, the more I change the more I see my world changing.
And so here.......teaching yoga, being the light, massage therapy school, energy healings, living on the beach, I pinch myself
everyday.
But this is so much more then I ever even thought to dream for.
Won't you come along for the ride :)
I love you.
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